Small print

Dear customer,

Thank you for your booking. Please note that a surcharge will be added to your bill for any of the following requirements:

Performance of Pachelbel's Canon in D...........£20
Performance of Pachelbel's Canon in D truncated due to length of piece significantly exceeding time required to process down aisle and stand before alter, sparing couple and minister of religion present from having to twiddle thumbs whilst dry counterpoint works itself through................£30
Performance of Boccherini's Minuet in F..............£20
Performance of Beethoven's 'Fur Elise'  bagatelle............£20
Performance of (usually unfamiliar) pop song completely unsuited to ensemble/instrument(s) available, and which must be arranged prior to performance, making the best of a bad job........................£30
Piece/name of performer(s) spelt incorrectly or otherwise erroneously in programme/order of service............£10
Performance of All Things Bright and Beautiful as first hymn, as this shows a distinct lack of imagination.............£10
Venue's piano out of tune................£30
Venue's organ out of tune................£30
Use of recorded music for a piece I blatantly could have played...............£20
Accompanying of singer convinced their voice charms the birds from the trees, who in reality has only ever received feedback from close family members or other individuals too polite to break it to them that the death rattle of a chain-smoking porcupine is more melodious than their ill-tuned bellowing..............£40
Provision of seating too high/low/with arms/ otherwise unsuitable for a violoncello player...............£30
Provision of parking in muddy field resulting in inevitable application of soil to formerly spotless black car...................£20
Door locked after assurance via recent telephone call that it would be open..............£10
Timely invention of verbal response to comment(s) on how good/brave I am/we were,  managing to avoid outright impoliteness whilst making it clear that I/we kind of do this sort of thing for a living...............£20
Conversation with complete stranger on subject vaguely related to music.............£10
Conversation with complete stranger on subject not even vaguely related to music........£20
Either of the above when I really want to get home and consume steak and chips/watch The Killing/Southampton Football Club are leading Pompey 3-0..............................£35

Thank you for your custom.