A plea

Please don't bother to practice.

That envelope that you were handed the other day, you know, the brown one with your name and instrument written on the outside? Or perhaps it was posted and you found it on the doormat? It must be the music for that concert you were asked to play in next month.  Beethoven - or perhaps it was Brahms? Anyway, it was only sent because the librarian needed to clear some space on his table and didn't want to have to carry all the parts with him on the day. You're just looking after it for him, no need to open it until you get there.  It's an easy fifty quid gig; just roll up, play a bit and get home in time for last orders. You'll able to sight-read it on the day, you're good at that.

Please don't bother to practice. You've played this particular piece before, even if it was a couple of years ago when you were one of the older ones in the youth orchestra, and, well, there wasn't much that seemed hard in it then.  Saturday after Saturday you would play through it, slowly at first to give the new players a chance to learn the notes, stopping and starting. It was a bit boring really, but it went alright in the concert, you all got to the end without stopping and your grandparents said how good you all were. Anyway, you've heard this since on the radio (well, that famous slow movement), so you know how it goes.

Please don't bother to practice. You're far too busy - working or writing essays or whatever else you need time to do. You literally don't have a minute of free time, especially with orchestra taking up a whole evening every week. Obviously you've got to catch Jeremy Kyle and Eastenders on iPlayer once in a while, and 'go out' on Friday, but nobody likes a Johnny-no-mates who locks himself in a practice room every evening instead of having fun. You certainly haven't got time to go all the way through this symphony, that's what rehearsals are for.

Please don't bother to practice.  It's only a contemporary piece by some bloke you've never heard of and probably never will again, and it sounds awful. This guy - oh no, wait, it's actually by a woman composer - doesn't deserve any time spent getting his work right (that's if what clearly are random bashings on the piano actually count as work), she only writes like this because she can't think of any nice tunes.  Besides, how could anyone expect you to count all those weird rhythms and funny bars? Not like Beethoven and Mozart, now they're proper composers, they wouldn't change time signature every three seconds or write all those high notes, would they? The audience won't notice whether it's right or wrong anyway, it's just a load of noise. Honestly, just not worth wasting your time on.

Please don't bother to practice. You're stuck at the back of the section, nobody cares what you do really, it's just a bit of a laugh this orchestra thing. And if there's any hard bits, well, just make it up or miss it out. Everyone else seems to be able to do it, they can cover for you when it gets high up or there's lots of fast notes.  Admittedly, it sometimes feels like the conductor's looking at you when he shouts 'Don't rush!' or 'I can't hear the solo!' but, well, he's got to look like he's taking this seriously, hasn't he?' Sometimes you wish you could play all the twiddly bits perfectly like the leader can, but if you'd wanted to be as good as him you'd have got there by now, wouldn't you?